Zaheer

I am sure that the Gods are mocking me. They are probably pointing their manicured fingers at me and thinking, "There sits the biggest fool we have yet created". I feel like crying; really, I do and the only reason I am not is because the irony of the situation amuses me so. This post was supposed to be about something else. I was hoping to bitch about my workplace. It took all of five minutes to change that. I met a college friend online. We were chatting about this and that. I remembered a mail that she had sent me some time back. It contained the ids of her two blog pages. I had already checked the first one out and was going through her second. I read her poems, wondered about her, happened to give a cursory glance to the snaps (they appeared to be snaps of some friend of hers in the States, all arranged on a slideshow). To tell the truth, it wasn't terribly interesting; so I just closed the window mid-way. All this while, we were still chatting. I happened to mention to her that I was going through her blogs. She then asked me if I had seen the college snaps. College snaps? I got curious..I hadn't seen any college snaps. She told me to visit her page again..which I did. And then I saw them. The snaps of the guy from the States had been replaced by snaps of Zaheer.

It was like someone had kicked me hard in the stomach. I was so shocked to see his snaps, for a second, I just sat there, blinking, uncomprehending, simply staring. Snap after snap showed up..Zaheer in college, at a restaurant, at a pool table..grinning, smiling, laughing. I went numb. All at once, too many painful memories came rushing out; it was as though someone had taken up a hammer and was demolishing me inside out, mechanically and with great precision. This wasn't supposed to happen. Ideally, I should never have heard of him again; infact, my absolute conviction that I'll never set my eyes on him in the future, was the only thing that had kept me going. This episode should never have happened.

I have been trying to get Zaheer out of my system for a long time now. I might have added 'unsuccessfully'; but the truth is, I had pretty much managed to forget about him. A busy work schedule and approaching exams leave me with no time to brood over personal matters, something that I am really grateful for; I know I wouldn't have forgotten otherwise. Zaheer wasn't my boyfriend; he's the guy I wish were my boyfriend. I had to be content with being friends. We aren't friends any longer. I guess I am to blame for that, but his attitude towards stuff in general also contributed in a big way. Zaheer and I are a reminder of all the things that could go wrong in a relationship..its a reminder of many things more, but I shall wallow in my grief all alone. At times, I feel there is hope; most times, I feel I have managed to distort everything out of proportion and all that's left is an ugly mess that no one has the courage to sort out.

I love Zaheer, in my own whimsical, irritating way. He is no longer a part of my life though. He got over me long ago..I have just started to forget about him (or so I would like to believe). See, that's the problem when you do not say proper good-byes..there's no closure and the mind mixes up what 'was', with what 'is' and with what 'should have been'. I would normally have kept kicking myself for letting things deteriorate so much, but for once, I feel we were simply not meant to be.

And I am reminded of the lyrics of the song 'White Flag' by Dido, one of my favourite artists.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,

Or tell you that.

But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it

where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder

Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and

destruction to come back again

And I caused nothing but trouble

I understand if you can't talk to me again

And if you live by the rules of "it's over"

then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet

Which I'm sure we will

All that was there

Will be there still

I'll let it pass

And hold my tongue

And you will think

That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship

And I won't put my hands up and surrender

There will be no white flag above my door

I'm in love and always will be .

Squiddly-Diddly..the lovelorn fool..sheesh..